Friday, April 11, 2014

Tired.

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I'm sorry if my blog has been quite depressing and glum but I promise I'll come up with more cheerful posts. Basically, I voice more of my inner thoughts that nobody knows (except one or two close friends) on this avenue, because clearly I can't exactly blurt out my feelings and pessimism to people in real life. So there's my disclaimer, don't read this post if you don't want your high spirits dampened.

I wish I'm able to place a sign on me that shouts, "Please be my friend only if you genuinely want to be mine." I'm tired of being taken advantage of. It's tiring to find out again and again, and again, that there's going to be no one's shoulder for me to lie on when I need it most. Even after I try my best to help you and try my best to be the friend I hope I have. But the thing is, you only come to me when you need me most. Not you, not her. Every one of you. I'm really tired of having to face the same old situation day in day out, I don't know how many times this has happened, it's as if I'm already used to it. It's like I'm transparent, my existence is being ignored. There's always this looming feeling lurking behind whenever a new trust is forged. It's a gamble. I try my best to mend myself, yet I find myself falling for the same trap again. I'm so done with all this. Everyone just assumes. 

Sure, I'm there for you when you have no one else. Sure, I'm there for you – but only as your last choice. Sure, I'll always be there for you. That's because there's no one to be there for me. It sickens to have to go through this turmoil everyday from Monday to Friday, plastering smiles on my face, being the optimistic person who simply laughs at everything. Maybe smiling is my way of concealing all my deepest darkest thoughts; to brush off everything with a laugh, with a simple "I'm fine". I don't know. I don't even know myself anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. You know, when they say, the saddest people smile the brightest", I can't help but agree with that. I probably think a lot, but don't say much of those thoughts. The most scary thing is thinking you're important to someone and you're not. I know I should not let anyone get me down. Being forgotten by others is scary too. But you know what? The scariest is turning around and seeing everyone's gone. And here I am, alone to myself. But what do I do to stop all this from happening time after time? What went wrong? I'm really tired of this mess, I'm tired of being hurt. What did I do to deserve this? I am really, really tired. 

And the thing is, nobody really cares. 

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