That's the problem with getting attached to someone who is leaving. A part of you just feels missing. And lost.

Missing so many people right now. All the emotions just come rushing in all at once and suddenly I'm longing for so many people to come back into my life. Thinking back to those days we spent together, the memories that remain in the corner of my mind, it was fun while it lasted. But reality strikes again, and we're separated.

Reminiscing about the past helps me to remember you, your faces, your smiles. I grasp tightly onto these precious memories, like trapping butterflies into glass jars, so that I can pull them out one by one, and play them in my mind like a video, so that the memories will not dwindle away as time passes.

So that I will remember you.

Even when I know that I should set these memories free and leave it all to fate to decide the future.

If we are destined to cross paths, I hope we will meet someday. I think of what I will do when I first meet you again, all the time. Would I recognize your face? Would I call out your name? Frankly, I don't know.

I guess in life, things never turn out the way we want them to. The unexpected happens and we deal with it instantly. That's what makes life so full of surprises. Though I would prefer, pleasant surprises.

I sincerely hope to meet these people again and bring them back into my life. Missing people is such a chore. It just makes one feel miserable and depressed.

"You can love someone so much, but you can never love people as much as you miss them."

Let's meet again in the days to come. I believe God will bring us together. I believe we will.

[just some late night thoughts, sorry for any incoherence or flaws. just had to put these emotions into words x]

I'm sorry if my blog has been quite depressing and glum but I promise I'll come up with more cheerful posts. Basically, I voice more of my inner thoughts that nobody knows (except one or two close friends) on this avenue, because clearly I can't exactly blurt out my feelings and pessimism to people in real life. So there's my disclaimer, don't read this post if you don't want your high spirits dampened.

I wish I'm able to place a sign on me that shouts, "Please be my friend only if you genuinely want to be mine." I'm tired of being taken advantage of. It's tiring to find out again and again, and again, that there's going to be no one's shoulder for me to lie on when I need it most. Even after I try my best to help you and try my best to be the friend I hope I have. But the thing is, you only come to me when you need me most. Not you, not her. Every one of you. I'm really tired of having to face the same old situation day in day out, I don't know how many times this has happened, it's as if I'm already used to it. It's like I'm transparent, my existence is being ignored. There's always this looming feeling lurking behind whenever a new trust is forged. It's a gamble. I try my best to mend myself, yet I find myself falling for the same trap again. I'm so done with all this. Everyone just assumes. 

Sure, I'm there for you when you have no one else. Sure, I'm there for you – but only as your last choice. Sure, I'll always be there for you. That's because there's no one to be there for me. It sickens to have to go through this turmoil everyday from Monday to Friday, plastering smiles on my face, being the optimistic person who simply laughs at everything. Maybe smiling is my way of concealing all my deepest darkest thoughts; to brush off everything with a laugh, with a simple "I'm fine". I don't know. I don't even know myself anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. You know, when they say, the saddest people smile the brightest", I can't help but agree with that. I probably think a lot, but don't say much of those thoughts. The most scary thing is thinking you're important to someone and you're not. I know I should not let anyone get me down. Being forgotten by others is scary too. But you know what? The scariest is turning around and seeing everyone's gone. And here I am, alone to myself. But what do I do to stop all this from happening time after time? What went wrong? I'm really tired of this mess, I'm tired of being hurt. What did I do to deserve this? I am really, really tired. 

And the thing is, nobody really cares. 

"Taylor Edwards’ family might not be the closest-knit—everyone is a little too busy and overscheduled—but for the most part, they get along just fine. Then Taylor’s dad gets devastating news, and her parents decide that the family will spend one last summer all together at their old lake house in the Pocono Mountains.

Crammed into a place much smaller and more rustic than they are used to, they begin to get to know each other again. And Taylor discovers that the people she thought she had left behind haven’t actually gone anywhere. Her former best friend is still around, as is her first boyfriend…and he’s much cuter at seventeen than he was at twelve.

As the summer progresses and the Edwards become more of a family, they’re more aware than ever that they’re battling a ticking clock. Sometimes, though, there is just enough time to get a second chance—with family, with friends, and with love."

...

I really enjoyed reading this book. I admit I'm not much of a sentimental person but this book really caught me at the ending. The affinity I had with Taylor as she grieves over the loss of her beloved father . He had painstakingly succumbed under the deadly and torturous disease of pancreatic cancer as Taylor observes how he becomes more frail time after time. Her story reminds me of my grandfather, how he used to come home with unique ballet tutus and ballet shoes (including a red one which I was extremely embarrassed to be the only one wearing it for ballet classes), how he ferried me home everyday after school, how he never failed to spank my butt jokingly, calling me a naughty girl affectionately before I left grandma's home, how he always brought me out to the furthest places just to try a bowl of steaming hot noodles he claimed were the best in the whole of Singapore. Most of all, I remember the glowing warmth in his calloused yet ever so encompassing hands that clasped mine as he lay in the hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit, each breath he took with with much labor, as if gasping for more oxygen to enter his lungs. Despite not being able to speak from the tube inserted through his mouth, his sparkling eyes seemed to tell me how much he loved me, how much he loved his children. How much he loved his family. He never inched as I hugged him in the hospital unlike his usual self, struggling to detach himself from all the cords that seemed to chain him to the stifling bed. 

This made me question the fine line between life and death. From bliss and delight over the birth of a new figure in the family, to that of despair and anguish over the loss of the presence of one in a family.  One can simply cross over to the other side so easily and quickly, and in an instance, he's gone. Yet the feeling of everlasting loss still lingers on after days, or weeks, or even years. 

He was one to enjoy life and one to leave this world without any regrets. He had seen enough of life, enjoyed enough of life and for one, he has definitely never ever regretted having us as his family. His frail yet reassuring voice as he professes this is something I will never forget.

Rest in peace grandpa. Even though I could not be with you in your last moments, I love you and always will. x

“A thousand moments that I had just taken for granted- mostly because I had assumed that there would be a thousand more.” – Morgan Matson

Here I am, lying on my bed, dreading 3pm to come. There's cross country later on and I don't even want to go for it. Not even the slightest bit. I just wanna laze on my bed instead of running/walking in the scorching heat. The weather forecast says it's going to rain yet the sky is still so clear. Everyone's probably not praying hard enough. I guess even luck runs out. Cross country got cancelled for 2 consecutive years which means we got to escape it twice. Seems like not this time. And why can't we run at hwa chong instead? It's more convenient / not so far away / it's smaller (i think). I'm so bored here too, really wanted to go out but there's no one to accompany me for lunch or anything so just took the bus straight home. My eyes are in slits now and they're going to shut anytime soon. What's worse is that I still have Chinese lessons after cross country. How bad can this day get?!

On the bright side, I just simply adore this picture. I love the meaning behind it and the in between turquoise and jade, crystal-like color. The splashing of the waves on the shore, how peaceful. Still remember the shores at Phuket when I last went around 2008 (i think), before the disastrous tsunami that struck. I loved braiding my hair and choosing the pink color beads. Wish I could go back to those carefree times of just innocent childhood play...

I really really wish I can fly away again to some faraway place from the boundaries of Singapore, of school (even though I just came back). I'm missing the airport already! If only I could travel around the world frequently, almost every one or two weeks.

Somehow, I feel obliged to post something today. Since I have nothing to talk about in general, I suppose I'll just ramble on about how I'm feeling about life in general.

Life is full of decisions to make, be it trivial or life-changing ones. They decide the individual you yourself desire to take. Sometimes it is a straight path, sometimes there comes a juncture where you have to think carefully to go left or right. Sometimes there will be distractions that aim to stray you from what you have set your mind on. Once you have decided on one path – the path – changing your decision is impossible. It has already been destined. This is the part where regrets come in. But the best part in life is turning a regret into hope, hope for a better future, hope that a better day will come. Believe in yourself. Believe that you can do it and you will. Turn everything negative into something positive. Be a flower that still blooms in the face of adversity, refusing to cave in to obstacles that bring you down.&

Everything will come and go. Time waits for no one. Don't waste time mulling on useless things that do no help. Everything happens with a reason.

"Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines." — Richard M. Nixon