I'm sorry if my blog has been quite depressing and glum but I promise I'll come up with more cheerful posts. Basically, I voice more of my inner thoughts that nobody knows (except one or two close friends) on this avenue, because clearly I can't exactly blurt out my feelings and pessimism to people in real life. So there's my disclaimer, don't read this post if you don't want your high spirits dampened.

I wish I'm able to place a sign on me that shouts, "Please be my friend only if you genuinely want to be mine." I'm tired of being taken advantage of. It's tiring to find out again and again, and again, that there's going to be no one's shoulder for me to lie on when I need it most. Even after I try my best to help you and try my best to be the friend I hope I have. But the thing is, you only come to me when you need me most. Not you, not her. Every one of you. I'm really tired of having to face the same old situation day in day out, I don't know how many times this has happened, it's as if I'm already used to it. It's like I'm transparent, my existence is being ignored. There's always this looming feeling lurking behind whenever a new trust is forged. It's a gamble. I try my best to mend myself, yet I find myself falling for the same trap again. I'm so done with all this. Everyone just assumes. 

Sure, I'm there for you when you have no one else. Sure, I'm there for you – but only as your last choice. Sure, I'll always be there for you. That's because there's no one to be there for me. It sickens to have to go through this turmoil everyday from Monday to Friday, plastering smiles on my face, being the optimistic person who simply laughs at everything. Maybe smiling is my way of concealing all my deepest darkest thoughts; to brush off everything with a laugh, with a simple "I'm fine". I don't know. I don't even know myself anymore. I don't know what to do. I'm at a loss. You know, when they say, the saddest people smile the brightest", I can't help but agree with that. I probably think a lot, but don't say much of those thoughts. The most scary thing is thinking you're important to someone and you're not. I know I should not let anyone get me down. Being forgotten by others is scary too. But you know what? The scariest is turning around and seeing everyone's gone. And here I am, alone to myself. But what do I do to stop all this from happening time after time? What went wrong? I'm really tired of this mess, I'm tired of being hurt. What did I do to deserve this? I am really, really tired. 

And the thing is, nobody really cares. 

Here I am, lying on my bed, dreading 3pm to come. There's cross country later on and I don't even want to go for it. Not even the slightest bit. I just wanna laze on my bed instead of running/walking in the scorching heat. The weather forecast says it's going to rain yet the sky is still so clear. Everyone's probably not praying hard enough. I guess even luck runs out. Cross country got cancelled for 2 consecutive years which means we got to escape it twice. Seems like not this time. And why can't we run at hwa chong instead? It's more convenient / not so far away / it's smaller (i think). I'm so bored here too, really wanted to go out but there's no one to accompany me for lunch or anything so just took the bus straight home. My eyes are in slits now and they're going to shut anytime soon. What's worse is that I still have Chinese lessons after cross country. How bad can this day get?!

On the bright side, I just simply adore this picture. I love the meaning behind it and the in between turquoise and jade, crystal-like color. The splashing of the waves on the shore, how peaceful. Still remember the shores at Phuket when I last went around 2008 (i think), before the disastrous tsunami that struck. I loved braiding my hair and choosing the pink color beads. Wish I could go back to those carefree times of just innocent childhood play...

I really really wish I can fly away again to some faraway place from the boundaries of Singapore, of school (even though I just came back). I'm missing the airport already! If only I could travel around the world frequently, almost every one or two weeks.

Just another day at school. And I have cramps too. Oh yay \o/. (that was just an unintentional rhyme) Anyways, my point is, I don't get why some people just can't forget all the crap that has happened in the past and move on. Is it THAT difficult to let bygones be bygones, or simply dump those unpleasant memories into the your mental trashbin *imagines the trash icon*? I mean, why bother to harp about the unenjoyable past instead of indulging in the delight of the present (e.g. Spending time uselessly on Instagram and Twitter like what I do) and make the best out of what you can? Is it simply so tough to forgive and forget? Okay, i think you should get your facts right. It's not as if someone offended you or did something so unforgivably wrong, and this gives you the undeniable and inexplicable right to act like such a haughty kid. (Note the use of the word "kid"). You fail to realize how ludicrous your actions seem. Haven't you considered the feelings of the other person who has already put in utmost effort to make things right, yet you deliberately want to make things wrong? This is just not right. Or left.

This brings me to my next point on why you should not even bother about those who don't give a shit. They are the ones losing out on not knowing forgiveness. They probably prefer having more enemies than friends *shrugs*. Or even better, be so extremely nice and sweet to them that they totally seem like that evil unforgiving bitch. HAH. In conclusion, these brats aren't really worth your and my time. They simply have a overly narrow perspective on life, selfishly thinking that things only revolve around Me, Myself, I. There will definitely be others around who accept their true selves for what they are (Although can't and I shamelessly admit it, I just can't fathom how anyone can tolerate it) but that simply is none of my business. :)