One night in February 2019, I chanced upon this blog again. 

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This precious little treasure chest of memories, joy, and blissful innocence. I am supposed to be working on my essay but I am on blogger again- true enough, I have not changed. Writing on my blog when I have other more important things on my agenda to complete. Priorities, yes.

Anyhow, scrolling through all these posts, few things struck me most. Let me share them here, just so that when I look back at this another 5 years later, I can bask in the mind of 2019 Nicole just like I relived my secondary school self over the past hour.

1. Writing, together with music, has always been my unique form of self-expression.

I have always never been good at talking. Confronting people is one of my worst fears. I fear saying the wrong things, spurting words I never mean, words I cannot take back once they have exit my mouth, all because of a fatal decision in the split second. Writing was a way for my thoughts to have space and breathe - to be able to compose a string of notes, each syllable adding to the rhythm of the sentence, each intonation part of a bar, a stanza, a page, a piece. A lyrical moment in time captured on paper.

Writing to me, has been a deeply cathartic process. Writing gives me the freedom to string the complexities and dualities of the emotions I'm feel right here, right now, into an almost comprehensible form for the world to understand.

More importantly, as I've realised today, writing encapsulates my state of mind I am in right at this moment, as I sit on my chair in my apartment in Central London typing away on my computer at 2am, while an outstanding essay lies behind this browser waiting to be completed. (God knows will I still be sitting at this exact same spot when I scroll past this post 5 years later.) Every day I face a different state of mind, but only this one comes to surface as I try to discern them into words, and only this one matters, now. I guess you could call this a way for me to crystallise all that I am here, and immortalise it in a digital snowglobe.

2. I have always been, and am still deeply fond of the arts.

Even after moving to London, I have found that, the arts, whether in visual, audio or tactical form will always be something close to my heart. Just few days ago, I finally dragged myself out of the house to head to the National Gallery for a solo museum trip. I never regretted it. Immersing myself in the inspiring creativity and longevity of these great artists, musing about life and what makes it a life worth living, I saw with my own eyes the magic of the human brain captured in these paintings.

It is extremely reassuring and incredibly uplifting to read my old musings on what my craft meant to me, and how despite this passion for the humanities has shifted in form, the underlying intuitive attraction, craving and emotive power for the very same things I had sought comfort in has never changed. These things were, and still are my way of escaping the world, entering a new realm of reality where past, present and future are blurred.

If there is anything in this world I would hold on to, it would be this unwavering love and deep-rooted passion for the arts that I would never, give up. Few things can be said with such certainty. This is one of those things.

3. Life, is funny in all that it offers.

In the span of time I was gone from this blog, I have seen so much more of the world (and more I have yet to discover is still waiting ahead for me). Perhaps this is a good place for me to slowly document my growth over the years, as I tread through the forest of life.

When you go through the motions of your daily routine, every day seems like a page waiting to be filled and gingerly turned. The unfolding of events with every second and minute and hour envelops you there and then, like an imposing wave looming over the flat, anticipating seashore. But as with hindsight, these things become nothing more than a speck on ink on a page filled with thousands of ink markings. One thread in a ball of yarn intertwined over and over, one petal in a garden overflowing with flowers.

That is not to say, I should disregard every emotion I am feeling currently, because it will eventually amount to nothing. I don't have to invalidate my thoughts, just to make space for the 'better', more optimistic thoughts that are more presentable to the outside world. Looking back at the things that made me wistful, the things that created a painful pang inside me, the things that make me just want to shout to the world how blissful I feel... and I could keep going on...

What I'm trying to say (to myself) is that you are the sum of everything you've been through thus far. Just like the conditions needed to sustain every human life on earth are so incredibly specific and fragile, yet it somehow works out. Likewise, choosing to alter one small bit of who I was would never get me to who I am today. Like a flower that thrives and blooms in adversity, I too am an aggregate of all that i have gone through since I came out of my mother's womb and had a conscious mind to put two and two together - and I would not want this any other way.

I quote something from this 16-year-old wisdom of mine that struck me so hard, "The things that matter are felt, not touched." 

Indeed, my resolution for the rest of this year would be to do more of what makes me happy. Not just a vacuous or flighty kind of happiness, but a deep set fulfilment that emanates warmth from within, like the comfort a freshly boiled bowl of goji berry soup provides on a cold winter night. To do more of what makes me feel thankful for everything I am, and that is to write more, read more and never lose touch with my one true love - the arts.

Lastly, I hope for myself to never give up that last speck of beautiful innocence I had when I drafted those posts 5 years ago. To be surrounded by earthly elements that bound you to its glittery and glassy glamour, yet being able to look past that, and dig deeper to find what truly brings meaning.

I remember laying in bed back home, lights off, quitely typing away on my new iPhone in a hurry to publish my post then. Tonight, I sit in the middle of my room, huddled in a grey Superdry hoodie, music playing away on my red speakers, heaters on, typing away before I catch some sleep. Tomorrow, I may be sitting in a cafe, sipping on a cup of tea (I don't drink coffee!), scrolling on my computer and chancing upon this repository of me. There are so many possibilities.

Life is good, in what you make out of it, indeed.

Hola I'm back again for more updates in the months of August and September! Those two were my busiest months of the year with concurrent comps and concerts and school assignments. Quite glad I don't exactly have anything planned in November-December after our finals for once, just means I can take a breather and build up on my repertoire. (⁎⚈᷀᷁ᴗ⚈᷀᷁⁎) Essential, since I can't keep performing the same works for 2 years, not very exciting huh. 

Anyway, we celebrated NAFA's 15th anniversary concert in August and I played Saint Saens' Concerto in G minor no. 2. I had an enjoyable time working with my wonderful and so awesomely talented accompanist, I really need to work harder to play even better and never to let the nerves get the better of me! 

I like this photo, it has this motivational power somehow. Haha.

Look at me being surrounded by all these super talented musicians. Damn. 

Nafa invited the press to take some photos for the Straits Times. Doubt my face can be spotted in the sea of people though. 

This person here has been continuously encouraging me and pushing me to believe in my own abilities. From all those heartfelt phone calls and pep talks, I really cannot express how grateful I am for having her as a mentor in my life. She never once gave up on me. :")

With the sister and popo!

Dad, the Ong family official photographer, called me from behind to catch me by surprise, and I turned around, smiling in time to pose for a photo to be taken hehe. Nice one dad.

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Two days after, I had a cello concert at the Arts House again!

This was my first debut as a cellist. Hahaha. The setting was more cosy and casual, just a family cello concert. :)

This was more large scale though, being open to the public and I met so many people I knew who never knew I played the cello. It was mildly embarrassing when they got a shock seeing me with my cello case, sigh.

With da crew. HAHA. Just kidding. Wonderful cello juniors who came to watch me and huixin. #supportive

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That's almost about it, I haven't gotten pictures for other events yet but this should suffice. Better days to come yay!

bye

nic

Friday, July 11, 2014

Yesterday was a good day. TGIF - Thank God It's Friday. I love Fridays. It's the only day I'm free with nothing planned for the day, other than practice as usual. Love days like these where I can just laze around and not rush for something scheduled in the evening.

Did quite an amount of practice for comps on Saturday and the upcoming concerts, and got to catch up on much practice I missed out during the schooldays, though I still need to put in much more effort. Then I went out for lunch with half of the bloc again at Eighteen Chefs (at Level 4, Cineleisure) and had one of the nicest cheese baked rice. It was so yummy and economical, especially since I was starving then. Ice lemon tea, main course and ice-cream for just less than seven bucks. YAY. Love cheap and good food, and of course, good (a little questionable) company.

Selfies with 1/2 of the kool kids klub and the krashers. (and not forgetting phone who ditched us halfway for "coffee" and so we stalked him all the way to the taxi stand zzz. That made one whole round for nothing.)

It was nice to catch up with everyone for a while on an afternoon where we don't have to worry about school cos it's the weekends. ｡◕‿◕｡Best feeling ever.  So we just chilled in the restaurant, chatting about any topic that comes to mind, school, random happenings and life (and lots of nonsense too). Surprisingly we didn't get kicked out as usual. 

Group photo yay! But then again, I look so creepy with half a head popping out from behind Christie. :-( The woman taking the picture didn't preempt us and I didn't get ready in time nuuuu.

With the gals hehe. Quite bummed that I couldn't go shopping with them afterwards, because practice. Life of a musician.

 (.﹒︣︿﹒︣.) 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Saturday was a very good and happy day, haven't had such enjoyable and relaxing evenings in quite a while, especially with all the performances and rehearsals scheduled. Basically just practiced for comps and did a little of math work then the rest of the time was allocated to lazing around, as usual. In my defense, the bed is just too tempting. There's just something about it that makes my body attracted to it and unlocks all my inertia once I've plopped down in a comfortable position.

Dropped by Kinokuniya to get my books and feeling very very satisfied. Finally, my very very long-awaited last installment of The Mortal Instruments Series has arrived!! I am already planning to buy And also got the first and last books of my other favorite series: Shatter Me by Tahereh Mafi. Absolutely love the gorgeous cover. 

Okay, so my sis commented on how such books would value-add to my repository of knowledge, but who cares! Sometimes, all you need is some fantasy and a little pinch of romance there to keep things interesting! Always reading non-fiction and intellectual material isn't too good either - your brain needs rest. Remember, it's all about moderation. ;-)

And then earlier in the afternoon, mom got me more stickers. How can one not rejoice at the sight of new stickers? 

Not only that, I finally got to satisfy my cravings and get my usual single scoop of heavenly Hokkaido milk ice-cream from taka. Plus cheese fries and mashed potato. I am a very very happy and contented girl. It was a wonderful girls' only night out (since dad was on an overseas trip) and shopping and having fun. Another reason to look forward to the weekends! hehe xx

PS. Guess what I saw on the bookshelves! • ◡ •

People often ask how I manage my studies and music so well. Frankly speaking, I really don't know. I was simply exposed to such a lifestyle from young, when after dinner time meant practising the piano then doing work. I believe it was a choice I made. No one can ever force you to do the things you don't want to. I wouldn't call it passion, it has simply become a chore you have to fulfill, your obliged responsibility. And I don't want music to become a chore to me.

I want to enjoy music. I want to play to my heart's content. I want to be free.

If you truly love something, you won't have to be coerced into doing it. You won't see it as a liability. You would long to do it and love what you're doing.

Like many others, initially it wasn't my choice as a toddler to want to play the piano, it was my mother who had to drag me for music lessons. In fact, I rarely practised and would only relent under the bribery of sweets from my teacher. I was one lazy student haha. Even canings became a regular during practices too. But gradually as I grew up, music became such an integral part of my life that I could not do without. It was to the extent that when we went on holidays, it felt weird that I had no piano to come home to to practise. Practising had became a habit.

While I'm definitely not the best and most hardworking student around, I still lament about practising, dread having to wake up from my naps all weary and groggy just to practise. No one enjoys practising. But it's the process that makes it fun, the music-making. And without practice, how does one improve? How does one improve to become better? (For that, I have not found any solution. But I have taken practising as a temporary solution until I've found a viable one. ;-) )

I'm certainly still not a big fan of practising, my mom still has to chase me to the piano occasionally, but I know it's for my own good. As cliched as it sounds, practice does make perfect. It makes everything better. It makes you feel better, feel satisfied, feel gratified.

I want to explore more realms of music, I want to push my boundaries to beyond simply playing solo piano and classical works. Having a passion doesn't mean having to go to all the competitions available to attain achievements. Those material rewards don't have a lasting impact, these accolades simply appease for a short time. It's the desire to learn, to yearn for more and never stop learning.

Throughout my years of playing the piano, what I recall is far from all the achievements and awards I have accumulated over the years, but rather the enjoyment, fulfillment, gratification and fun I have derived from the piano. These are what makes those arduous practices worthwhile and what keeps me going and striving for the better. :-)

Nanyang String Ensemble's first concert in 4 years ended with a blast on 20 June. This time, we did something special and more interesting. We collaborated with a youth orchestra from Thailand, Sunrise String Orchestra, holding a camp together for both orchestras to bond and rehearse for the big day. 

Initially I was rather apprehensive about the whole arrangement, but never would I have anticipated the numerous unforgettable memories and precious bonds forged in the course of these 6 days. I'm so glad I decided to cast away all my doubts and just go for it to see what would I gain from this exchange despite the very busy schedule I had concurrently. :-)

My last strings camp in Nanyang proved to be a truly unforgettable and enjoyable experience. I can't express how grateful I am to have participated in the camp and getting to know so many wonderful people. SSO is such a bubbly, excited, cool, fun, crazy and awesome bunch of musicians! It was great having an extension of the cello section, which meant more fun, more craziness and more enthusiasm. YAY.

Though I did not spend as much quality time with them after rehearsals, I still felt so bonded to them like another family, making pleasing music together and sharing the joy of music that transcends all boundaries, regardless of culture, language or country.

I am definitely contented with being able to send them off at the airport and see them one last time (for the month, definitely not going to be our last meeting hehe) before they head for home, just 2hours away. (It was the least I could do for not spending as much time together....)

I am already experiencing major concert/exchange withdrawals (started after the concert ended and reality hits me) and really really miss this great group of people. So glad I cast away my doubts and attended the camp. Never regretted my decision ever after the first encounter with them. :-)

Now I have another wonderful reason to look forward to visiting Bangkok again! (other than the fantastic shopping there <3 )


Now its PHOTO TIME because everyone loves photos!

Me and livie. From aunties to not so aunties. Are we glam enough yet? ~(＾◇^)/

A very tall Fifa here! (yep, fifa as in fifa world cup. cool huh)

Me and Toy! A very cheerful and happy-go-lucky fellow cellist hehe.

At the airport...... Where we bade goodbye. (It was a surprise visit though, a nice surprise.)

Part of cello section with SSO @ the airport. :-)

With a very pretty Opal! (I ship fipal hehe)

Mr Poonchok! Had a really fun and enjoyable experience being in an ensemble conducted by him. Never fails to make us smile or laugh. 

Photo with all the cello principals yay!! (With andreia :") )

Aww and with the adorable fifee <3

Happy cello family (◍•ᴗ•◍)❤

2014 is just around the corner in a few hours and I can't believe how quick the year has flown past. Just like that, and I'm another year older. It felt as though 1st January 2013 was just last month... 2013 was a year with many ups and downs, especially having opened myself up to various opportunities and being placed in a new environment, I'm glad to say that 2013 has been a fruitful year (undoubtedly, with all the wonderful concerts, great masterclasses and competitions I've participated in that have helped me mature musically). I definitely have grown a lot along the way, learning from past mistakes, forging new friendships, recovering old ones, creating everlasting memories together. I've been very blessed this year and I'm overjoyed to have ended this chapter in my life with a bang (with the wonderful experience in Childaid and winning 2nd in NPVC and of course, our much called for enjoyable Europe vacation)!!

Of course, a new year marks a new start. And a new start means new decisions to be made. As Neil Gaiman put it, "Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make your mistakes, next year and forever." It's time to abandon past grievances, acknowledge my mistakes, celebrate my triumps and hold on to the beautiful times. To thinking about what I want to do, forget about whatever happened in 2013 and move on. We only have one life and it's time to make the most out of it. 

Having said that, 2013 was a great year putting aside the unpleasant times, and I'm sure 2014 will be an even better one! Cheers to a new year and let's make it right! :-) 

P.S. Looking forward to filling in 2013 in dates and realizing I'm one year late. 

"For last year's words belong to last year's language, and next year's words await another voice.” - T.S. Eliot

Aloha. I guess I haven't been updating for quite some time so I decided that I'm going to start now and end the procrastination (that might become endless if not for beginning now). I constantly remind myself to update my blog since I treat it like my online diary but somehow things never materialize. I have loads of drafts that never seem to be completed. This is what happens when you have overflowing ideas and can't string them into one seamless piece. Well, here I am now, rushing to pen down my thoughts that I feel like expressing at the moment before they're gone in a whim. Somehow I find doing things in the middle of the night rather productive. I suppose the serenity and stillness of the night fuels my inspiration and creates that perfect tranquil surrounding for me where I'm alone in my room. That's why I like making covers of songs and churning out new ideas as well as medleys on the piano at 11:30pm. I'm appreciate that my neighbors are understanding and none of them have ever filed a complaint about late night piano practicing. *phew* 

Anyway, my concerts and national competition is just round the corner. In less than 2 weeks. Everything feels so surreal. The intensive rehearsals are just beginning to start, the first year-end concert is on Saturday night. Everything is so packed. Not the mention, regular cello lessons in school, piano lessons and the much much dreaded holiday homework (which I have yet to begin on. And will soon have no time to complete). I admit the year of 2013 has been an extremely busy and intensive one, both academically and musically. I've experienced various ups and downs, from my worst performance ever, to having the privilege of performing at a soirée held at the Spanish Ambassador's Residence. While exhausting and disappointing, it has also been a fruitful and exciting year in my musical journey at the same time. I have gained so many new opportunities along the way to share my love for music with others and garner feedback from numerous professors on how to make my music more tasteful and professional.

There's no doubt I'm feeling flustered and anxious right now. I certainly need much more practices which I have not been diligently putting time aside for, being too preoccupied with unnecessary distractions that plague me everyday. My playing has not been up to the expectations I set for myself, and the standards everyone has for me. Which makes it even more pressurizing for me. I'm starting to feel the weight of everyone's expectations including my peers, juniors, seniors, friends, family and so many more people. My teacher puts lots of faith in me to excel and I surely do not want to let her down. And this is why I want to change my old ways and turn over a new leaf. It will not be easy to correct stubborn old habits but I will try. I will try my best so that I can have no regrets when I'm on stage and be the brightest star I'll ever be. 

Having played the piano since 4, it's even more than a decade. I truly believe that music is my passion and my medium of expression. Playing the piano allows me to let go of all my worries and occasionally reflect on life (my mind does wander a lot when I'm immersed in my playing). I even sleep with my grand piano every night. 

The black and white keys are my life. I believe music allows ones fertile imagination to grow and create wonders that no one can fathom. I can't imagine a world without the piano, much less one without music. It would be so lonely and empty. Music is able to fill us with warmth, compassion and humanity. I really am thankful to God for giving me this wonderful gift. I will not let You and myself down.

I love the lyrics to this song, the melody is perfect as well as the vocals. 

(It's also the background music to my daily countdown to our December vacation.)

Take my hand, I'll teach you to dance.

I'll spin you around, won't let you fall down.

Would you let me lead? You can step on my feet.

Give it a try, it'll be alright

The room's hush hush and now's our moment.

Take it in, feel it all and hold it

Eyes on you, eyes on me.

We're doing this right.

'Cause lovers dance when they're feeling in love

Spotlight's shining. It's all about us

It's oh, oh, all

About uh, uh, us

And every heart in the room will melt

This is a feeling I've never felt

But it's all about us

Suddenly I'm feeling brave

Don't know what's got into me

Why I feel this way

Can we dance real slow?

Can I hold you real close?

The room's hush hush and now's our moment

Take it in, feel it all and hold it

Eyes on you, eyes on me

We're doing this right

So I had a photoshoot yesterday for ChildAid 2013's concert booklet. This year's theme is carnival which explains the face paint only face and the flamboyant costumes. The acapella group even had to wear multi-colored clown wigs to add to their bubbly personality :-) As for me, I got to put on my long ocean blue gown (Finally an opportunity to wear it.) or the photoshoot along with a white silver trimmed tutu collar and a golden mask. My make-up artist was this lady with a cool skull-roses tattoo on her arm and she's so pretty! And voila, after the loooong preparations, I was finally ready for the masquerade! It was quite an unconventional photoshoot I have to admit, the dressing and all, especially since we were left on our own to strike interesting poses with the mask as quick as possible. I can't wait for ChildAid 2013, it's so gonna be a blast with so many new friends to make and an exhilarating experience! \o/

I like my face paint though. It's so pretty! (Except for the parts that got smudged by accident. :< ) I should have chosen blue braces though, they would have matched my dress.

Anyways, moving on. I have a newfound love now – medleys! I love coming up with my own medleys. It's so fun and the ideas just keep pouring in as you play them on the piano. I still have much to learn about improvisation from Kurt Hugo Schneider, he's my ultimate favourite medley-difier!! The self-gratification that comes after is just undescribable. It's like I've accomplished something I've never done before. So far I've tried piecing together Just Give Me A Reason by Pink, She Will Be Loved; Won't Go Home Without You and my all-time favourite medley piece Payphone all by one of my favs, Maroon 5! I'm currently working on Katy Perry's new song Roar and Just Give Me A Reason. I was humming the chorus of Roar when out of the blue, JGMAR (sounds weird when you try articulating this word out) came into my head, so there you go! A medley!

Looking forward to more medleys coming up and I'll probably record them down if I think they're presentable enough. It's gonna take a lot of courage to do so! ;)

Btw I'm rocking my new ios 7 now, it's awesome :") Here's a photo of some overly attached girlfriends for you. :> 

*Viewer discretion advised.*

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Hahahaha betcha didn't expect that.